Things I wish I knew earlier

1. You are not alone.

As you read that statement you may think what I thought many times over the years - “yes, I am” and “you just don’t get it”.

That is common for trauma survivors and particularly true for those of us who were abused as children. It’s perhaps the cruelest part of Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) and Child Sexual Abuse (CSA) - children are isolated and/or manipulated into believing nobody cares, nobody will believe them if they tell, etc. But that is not true. There are, unfortunately, millions of us who can relate to what you have experienced - you are not alone.

It’s hard to unlearn that harsh lesson anchored when you are so young, but it can be done. I struggled to re-learn that lesson over the years. Then as I began speaking about my experiences, I found understanding and connection reflected back to me. Reaching out to people, finding support groups, or even people in your circle who can relate, helps challenge the old narrative and remind you that you are not alone.

And the first time you open up to a friend and discover they experienced something similar is a revelation. I remember the first time it happened to me, I felt this gleeful kinship. Like a little kid who finds out their new friend also likes ice-cream - what are the odds? - it feels magical.

2. You are not doomed.

At various times over the years I have Googled some of the things I’ve experienced in an attempt to understand what happened, find out how others dealt with it, and see if there’s any research or wisdom to be found. Here’s what I learned:

■ My childhood is not my destiny. I have the power to make different choices, seek help, confront patterns, and find the support I need to build a different legacy than the one that I inherited. I was absolutely determined not be like my family and I felt that even before I understood what was really going on in my family.

■ I am not a statistic. At times I have been frustrated, disheartened, or just plain annoyed by the number of articles that reference ‘stats’ on what happens to people with crappy childhoods as if it’s a foregone conclusion. In the Resource section of this site I go into more detail on the research gaps, etc. but for now I’ll just share what I remind myself - none of that research measures resilience or the positive influences that can significantly impact a child’s life.

3. You will find people who love the ‘real’ you.

It took me a while to be ready but I have found people who appreciate me being fully, openly, authentically myself. And I’m learning how to let down my defenses more easily so new people can see the ‘real’ me.

I’m also learning how deep I can go with people who aren’t ready, willing, or able to be that authentic in their own lives, for their own reasons. It’s sometimes hard to accept, and to remember that it has nothing to do with me. Which leads to learning what I can accept and what I can’t. I also had to learn about different types of friendships. As Esther Perel reminds us in her work with couples, no one person can meet our every need. The same is true for friendships. It’s OK to have a friend for certain activities who isn’t a bare-my-soul friend.

And finally Things I know to be true . . .

“To grow, we must travel in the direction of our fears.”

- John Berryman