“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed.
It means the damage no longer controls our lives.”
- Akshay Dubey
Write → catharsis
Speak → power
Heal → freedom
Healing felt different than I thought it would.
In my career (and life) I’m a pretty take-charge sort of person. Used to leadership roles and managing complex projects. Unfortunately you can’t project manage your deepest emotions. They don’t care about timelines or follow a logical progression. So I’ve had to learn to relinquish control a bit and let this happen more organically.
What does that mean? I try to pay attention when I decide to write about something particular but instead find I’m repeatedly drawn to focus on something else. There was a period where I wanted to write about a specific part of my childhood but it just felt too overwhelming and I couldn’t even figure out how to approach it. I kept returning to it and trying to force words onto a page but it just wasn’t clear yet. I had to put those pages away and focus on other things. I was feeling frustrated and overwhelmed - I was stuck.
Then I accidently discovered that some healing was happening elsewhere. I was writing about another painful episode from my childhood and ended up creating a poem about that incident. The repeated editing and retelling as I worked on the poem eventually led to the feeling of ‘lightness’ I’ve mentioned before. I had managed to expunge a good chunk of the pain and emotion tied to that incident and it was as if a small weight had been lifted from the burden I carried. There was just a little more space - a little more bandwidth - now available.
I thought I knew, intellectually, but I hadn’t really understood how much of my mental, emotional, and spiritual energy was taken up by my unresolved trauma. I had built intricate structures which were supposed to keep me safe, wall off the pain, and maintain the facade I created to get through my days. It was wonderful to discover that as I wrote and spoke, as I worked through various parts of my experience, I would feel lighter, have more energy, and then have the space to expand myself and my life. Such a feeling of freedom!
To be clear, I’m not magically all better. But I have made very good progress and the damage in my past is not controlling my life.
“Not my fault. I didn’t deserve it.”
Being able to write that and actually believe it was a victory - a sign of healing. I’d written something similar many times in the past and knew it to be true intellectually, but actually feeling the truth of it was next level.
There were many times when I became frustrated because I couldn’t see progress. Then there would be those magic moments when I seemed to leap forward.
There’s a sweet little series of scribbles where I noted something positive about myself then returned the next month and wrote “proud of who I am” and “that’s a nice feeling”. Then weeks later I returned and noted “Yea me!” for the ability to have that perspective and feel pride in that moment.
I try to cherish those small victories. and hold onto them as a reminder that progress is happening even when I can’t see it.
