“And when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid. So it is better to speak . . .”
- Audre Lorde
Speaking about your experience is a key element of trauma recovery.
There is surprising power in vocalizing your experience.
It may sound silly but even whispering some truth you’ve kept buried is an important step. Hearing the words aloud is different than seeing them on the page in your journal.
Then as you prepare to speak to another person about your experience, you are forced to confront judgments and fears you may not have even realized were lurking beneath the surface. It’s uncomfortable work but it’s so worth it to combat the shame and begin to free yourself.
“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.”
- Brene Brown
Speaking can take many forms including telling one person, sharing in a support group, reading a poem or singing a song you wrote, or confronting someone.
Experimenting with speaking will help you learn who can hear the truth of your experience, and help you build confidence as you continue to slay the shame.
Letters
Back to those letters you write but don’t send. Reading a letter like that aloud, to yourself or a trusted friend, can be very cathartic. Read it multiple times, with gusto - yell, cry, whatever it takes. You might startle the dog but it’s a wonderful way to release some of the emotion wrapped up with that person or incident. Then after you’ve rung out much of the emotion by reading them aloud, it can feel very freeing to burn those letters and symbolically let it go.
Speak to Heal
When confronting your trauma it can sometimes feel like you have a bottomless well of pain, anger and grief. There were times when I couldn’t see a way through and thought things would never get easier. But to my surprise it did get easier over time as I continued to Write and Speak.
The well is not bottomless - the intensity does diminish - and for me, speaking made all the difference.
How I shared my first poem, “When Do I Tell You?” is a great example of the power of Speaking.
Initially I only shared it with my partner and my therapist. But later I began to feel this strong urge to read it aloud so I made a little video. Totally amateur and badly lit but it got the job done. That provided a bit of relief - like the weight of what I’d been carrying all those years was a little lighter for being spoken aloud.
Then I felt ready to share the poem with others in my life. So I began doing that slowly with different groups of people (high school friends, college friends, etc.), some I hadn’t talked to in decades. I moved slowly, taking time to ensure I had reasonable expectations about the responses I might get and wasn’t setting myself up for big disappointment.
When I felt ready I’d send the video to another small group of people and each time I felt a little lighter, a little more free.
Some folks didn’t respond, which I expected in certain cases. But most sent back loving responses filled with empathy and support. Those responses were such a gift and I remain forever grateful to those dear sweet friends.